elusive joy

let the light in

My family and I have had a rough week.  From the moment my grandmother got out of surgery until today, we have been on a roller coaster of emotion.  My grandma has made great strides, only to go back several steps.
These steps have felt like miles in our hearts.  One day she is sitting in a chair making jokes and the next she is back in bed with pneumonia.  We are trying our very best to work  together and to encourage  one another.  Are we doing it perfectly? No.  Are we doing our very best?  Yes.  Will my grandma be proud of us?  Most definitely.

My struggle in the last few days has been with joy.  I know my soul was made for joy.  I know that it is a fuel like none other.  Each moment I find joy, I find life.  Where do I begin looking for it while sitting in my grandma's ICU room?  I try and look for it when they give us a little piece of good news, but that feels like hope.   I can be so sad and still hope.  I try to find it when I watch the nurses take loving care of my grandma.  They are so attentive.  However, that feels like thankfulness.  I can be sad and still be thankful.  I try to find it in how much time I have had with my little brother and my mom.  I have seen them so much this week.  But that feels like love.  I can be sad  and still love.

So I keep looking.

Yesterday while I was watching her sleep, she opened her eyes.  She saw me and smiled.  Softly she whispered, "I love you."  Then as quickly as she woke up, she was back to sleep.  I went to the back of the room and silently wept.  I had found joy.  Right there in the middle of tired and exhausted, there was joy.  Right there in the middle of confused and frustrated, there was joy.  Right there in the middle of sad and desperate, there was joy.

I guess that is my lesson.  I need to  keep searching for joy among the tired and confused and frustrated and sad.  I need to remember that joy isn't happy.  I can have joy in the middle of the tornados of my life.

So, today I will be searching for joy.  And today, I will find it.