ignoring shame

piling up {film}

The flu knocked me out for over a week.  I wasn't able to get out of bed for days.  It was horrible.  When I finally rolled out of bed, I think I expected to find my house in disarray.  Instead, it was clean and tidy.  The kids had kept up with school.  In fact, my youngest was three chapters ahead in science! My husband had gone to the grocery store, so the fridge was full. The house was running smoothly without me.

The thing that discourages  me are the emotions this caused. Did I first think, "Wow, what a great family I  belong to."  No.   Shame took over my mind and started it's usual set of painful questions.  If my house can run with out me, what do I really do? If the kids can keep up with school with out me, what am I really teaching them?

Sure, I had a small hopeful voice telling me that I had a part in raising three great kids, and this was a time to be thankful.  Here is the thing about me- I don't listen to that voice.  I seem to listen to the ugly voice far too long.  I seem to look for and find proof of my unimportance.   

So this week I have practiced  listening to that quieter voice.  That voice that cheers me on.  The one that reminds me that my kids bring me tea when I am sick because they have a mother who brings them tea.  I listen to it tell me that dinners were made all week because my children have a mother that taught them to cook.  They have a mom who allows them in the kitchen so they could know how it runs and how to run one. I listened to it remind me of the grace and love I give my children, so they in turn give grace and love to each other.  They are diligent with school because they are taught that work is important.    I listened to it remind me that my husband picks up the extra work around the house when I am sick because he loves me and our family, and we are a team.  I listen to it tell me that all my work that I do each day has lead to this beautiful moment.  

My voice of shame has tried to get a few digs in, but I have decided to ignore her.  I may have used a few choice cuss words to tell her to shut the hell up.  Just, maybe.

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