Stuck on Saturday

set to bloom

This is one of my favorite times of year.  Spring has sprung. The sun starts warming up the earth and my heart.  Dinner can be served on the patio.  The BBQ gets fired up more often.  A cold beer means something.  Easter, one of my favorite holidays, is celebrated in my home.    

There have been many things said about Good Friday.  Sermons have been told on the suffering of Christ and how that compares to the sufferings here in life.   Books have been written about the dark night of the soul; the moments that just seem too much for one to handle.  We have all lived these seasons. Each one of us has suffered. Some have had to bury children. Some have had a spouse leave, or are forced to leave a spouse.  Children have made life changing choices that we have had to watch with great sadness. Cancer has taken a friend.  Families have been estranged from each other for years.  Friendships have been broken permanently. 

And for every story told about Friday, there are twice as many stories for Sunday.  That day that everything seems new. The days that are filled with great hope.  There are moments in life that feel like Resurrection Day itself: the birth of a baby, that moment you say, "I do", kisses from your dirty faced toddler, celebrations with friends and family, friends and families finding healing and forgiveness, when cancer can longer be found.   

But what if you aren't in a season of great suffering and still life doesn't feel all that hopeful?  What if darkness just seems to surround you while life still moves on? What if you are in a season of Saturday?  
To be honest, Saturday is the day that brings me the most questions.  What were the disciples thinking?   After all, these men had quit their jobs, left home and followed a man who was now dead. Did they just sit at home wondering if it was all worth it? Did they look back at all their choices and question everything?  Or, did they know some where, deep in their soul, that everything was going just as planned and still allowed these great cloud of questions and fear loom over them?  

Part of me hopes so.  Part of me hopes I am just stuck on Saturday.  You see, there is nothing really wrong with my life.  I have amazing parents that love me and care for me. I have a husband that treats me with such gentleness, kindness and love that I sometimes wonder if I deserve it.  I have amazing children that are kind, loving and serve the poor with great joy.  I have five girlfriends that would blow your mind.  People wish for one great friend... I have five.  I have a beautiful home.  I put good food on the table each week for my family and never wonder if we will be hungry.  

But still, my heart aches.  My mind wonders and I ask questions.  Have I made the right choices?  Have I given enough to my children?   Are my big mistakes in life so big that I will never feel freedom from them? Is the pain that my husband caused something that my heart will ever fully recover from?  Can I move on from the sufferings of Friday and get to the hope of Sunday morning?   

I guess I can find hope that my only choice will be a resurrected life.  I can't go back, I can only go forward.  And what is waiting for me?  

Tears wiped away. 

So I will sit and wait, because my Sunday?  Well, it is coming.